Mandatory Compliance: Enhanced Festive Season Protocols
As we enter the festive season, it is crucial to maintain the highest standards of professionalism and safety in our workplace.
Dear Valued Subordinates,
As your benevolent overlord of office order, I bring tidings of strict regulations and unyielding policies to guide us through this so-called 'festive' season. I find myself compelled to issue a set of guidelines that will ensure the 'festive' period is endured with the appropriate level of grim determination.
1. Festive Decor: A Big No-No Deck the halls? More like wreck the halls with safety hazards. Therefore, all forms of festive decorations are banned. Should you feel the uncontrollable urge to be merry, I suggest quietly humming 'Jingle Bells' in the privacy of your cubicle. The only approved decoration is a singular, barren twig. Anything more joyous will be confiscated and used to fuel the ceremonial 'Festive Bonfire of Dreams'.
2. The Great Christmas Jumper Prohibition Don your gay apparel elsewhere! Christmas jumpers are strictly forbidden. Offenders will be sentenced to a day of wearing the 'Sweater of Shame' – a hideous creation from the depths of last year's lost and found. The mandatory festive attire shall consist of varying shades of grey – the duller, the better. Wearing a jumper that could be misconstrued as 'merry' will result in immediate enrolment in a joy aversion therapy session.
3. Secret Santa: The Undercover Compliance Test Participate in Secret Santa at your own risk. Gifts will be subjected to a thorough compliance audit, and the most 'creative' gift giver will win a special meeting with yours truly to discuss their 'innovative' choice. Participate in Secret Santa at your own peril. Gifts are limited to practical office supplies only. Anything remotely fun will be subject to immediate incineration.
4. Festive Feasting Faux Pas All festive treats are subject to inspection. Any mince pies, puddings, or foods resembling festive cheer are contraband and should be handed in at my office for further analysis. Approved snacks include plain rice cakes and water (not sparkling – too festive).
5. Mandatory Attendance: The Holiday 'Joy' Workshop Attendance is compulsory at our Holiday 'Joy' Workshop, where you'll learn to suppress any unauthorized holiday cheer. Think of it as a Scrooge boot camp.
6. Leave Requests: The Gauntlet Fancy some time off? Leave requests must be submitted in triplicate, presented in a 15-minute interpretive dance, and will ultimately be decided by the office cat, Chairman Meow.
7. The Office Party: A Study in Solemnity The office party will be a grand affair of utmost solemnity. Festivities include staring blankly at each other and engaging in competitive paper-shuffling. Activities include competitive paper filing and a thrilling lecture on the history of paperclips, followed by a two-hour lecture on compliance regulations.
8. Mandatory Carol Muting Any humming, whistling, or singing of carols is strictly forbidden. Offenders will be enrolled in the 'Silent Night' seminar, a rigorous program of mime and non-verbal communication.
Remember, these guidelines are in place to ensure maximum productivity and minimum fun – just how we like it. Any semblance of holiday spirit will be promptly confiscated.
Wishing you an adequately satisfactory holiday season.
Regards,
Mike Pearce, Director of Holiday Restriction and Merriment Prevention
Happy holidays folks! I thought I’d round out the year with another fictional email from your favourite office Scrooge.
Hope your holiday is full of joy, happiness and satisfaction. Thanks for subscribing this year, see you in 2024!