#44 The HR Professional's Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse
If the worst comes to the worst and a zombie infection breaks out, be safe in the knowledge that your career as a People Pro is invaluable in surviving an undead apocalypse.
Are you an HR or people professional? Congratulations! Your expertise in navigating the workplace has prepared you for the ultimate test: surviving a zombie apocalypse. Fear not! With your HR skills and our guide, you'll be a key asset during the end of days. Here are some helpful tips to make sure you're the last HR professional standing.
Recruitment and Onboarding
As an HR pro, you're a master of recruiting top talent. In a zombie apocalypse, you'll be in charge of assembling a diverse team of survivors. Make sure to look for candidates with experience in fields like combat, survival skills, and, of course, zombie lore. Don't forget to provide a comprehensive onboarding experience, including a welcome package filled with essentials like canned food, first aid kits, half a pair of scissors and a custom branded t-shirt that says "I survived the zombie apocalypse, and all I got was this lousy shirt."
Zombies may be a significant concern, but human conflicts are bound to arise in high-stress situations. As an HR expert, you can mediate disputes and ensure the group works together effectively. Remember to practice active listening, and when in doubt, remind everyone that the common enemy is the undead, not each other. Should conflict resolution fail, you can always implement a temporary "time-out" policy, where disgruntled team members have to spend five minutes alone with a zombie to put things into perspective.
Just because society has collapsed doesn't mean you can't continue to nurture your team's professional development. Schedule regular performance reviews for your apocalypse crew to discuss strengths, weaknesses, and areas for improvement. Are they meeting their zombie-slaying KPIs? Are they contributing effectively to team morale? Don't forget to provide constructive feedback and set achievable goals, like "Improve running speed by 10%", "Learn to cook canned beans 3 different ways.".
While skills in PowerPoint or public speaking are marginally less useful when the undead take over, training should be a key consideration in our post-apocalyptic world. Members of your group should have training and skills assessment scheduled regularly. Some suggestions for training include: "Three ways to take down a zombie with a stapler", "Using half a pair of scissors to jimmy the lock on an abandoned DEFRA facility" and the old favourite, "What to do when you think Stevie from accounts might have been bitten by a Z."
Health and Safety
In a zombie apocalypse, health and safety become more critical than ever. Update your company's health and safety policy to include information on safe zombie disposal, infection prevention, and maintaining a secure perimeter. Organize regular first aid and zombie defence training sessions for all team members. Remember, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, even when that workplace is a barricaded warehouse surrounded by moaning corpses.
Maintaining a positive company culture is essential in a world where the undead roam free. Plan team-building activities, like group scavenging missions or zombie movie nights, to encourage camaraderie. Establishing an Employee of the Month program can also boost morale, recognizing those who go above and beyond in zombie extermination or resource gathering.
Let's face it: sometimes, you'll need to let someone go. In the event of a zombie infection, it's crucial to act quickly and compassionately. Prepare a termination letter, complete with severance package details (a bottle of water, granola bar, and heartfelt farewell note), and gently escort the newly zombified team member out of the safe zone. Remember, you're not only protecting your team but also providing a humane end for your infected colleague.
As an HR professional, you're equipped with the skills necessary to lead a team through the zombie apocalypse. Remember to stay adaptable, and don't forget to update your LinkedIn profile to showcase your new "Zombie Apocalypse HR Specialist" title. Good luck, and may you keep your team (and your brains) intact!
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